Divorce..... It's really not a bad thing!

Divorce is a reminder that we are human. As a human, we are entitled to make mistakes.

You never enter a relationship thinking of divorce. Shoot, the only thought in mind was... forever! I made a promise, I would only get married one, so I better do it right. I will wake up to this person everyday until my heart stop beating. 

Then it stops... but your still alive. 

There is many reasons why a relationship ends and divorce becomes the result. The true fact of the matter is, everyone is capable of falling out of love for different reasons.

Questions: When did you discover you felt different? What did that person do or say to make you feel different? Are you just mad? Is it something you can fix? Is it the time of the month?!?

Most instances, you can't change this feeling, but there are times when it is just a phase, when you may just be unhappy with yourself. When you are unhappy with yourself, you tend to pick apart everything in your life. You re-evaluate our job, your home, your car, your relationships, and anything that may define who you are or who you want to be. So it would make since that you would question your love for your spouse if you are going though a difficult time in your life. 

Is it a permanent feeling? No, the feeling will eventually fade if in fact the problem is oneself.

I myself, am very familiar with divorce. The deciding to divorce wasn't as hard on me as I thought, but the spiral that came after wards is what nearly destroyed me. Being in and out of court for four years, fighting over possessions, the children, and finances was the worst part. The main part I'm still trying to heal from to this day. 

My mother has always told me, "Treat others the way you would want to be treated". There was never a fair trade in any of this. Divorce is an all out battle ground. "All's fair in love and war". 

You don't have to let divorce define you, feel defeated over it, or feel like you failed your family! We all change paths for a reason, a reason we must learn to accept and move forward.

After a divorce, it is vital to remember, You are human and you will get through this! Three things I have learned since my divorce:

1. Everyone makes mistakes and the important lesson is to learn from them. 

I cannot tell you how many mistakes I made in that marriage. I made so many, to the point of losing who I truly was. My number one mistake was staying in an abusive relationship because I was terrified to be alone with children. I never wanted to be that a single mother who struggles to put food on the table. The relationship was abusive from day one, but because I couldn't own up to my bad decisions, I now have permanent scars that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

My second mistake was seeking out help from his family and being told I must have done something to piss him off. Maybe next time I should listen and not upset him to the point of him becoming violent. I believe that, and from that point until the end, I always blamed myself for his out burst and reactions towards me. 

It had been since over 4 years and I am finally at the point in my life where I am able to admit what I have been through and not be ashamed, or blame my failures in my marriage ending. I now have the ability to give voice to the pain I have inside and the wings to learn and let go of past.

Ladies and even men...NO ONE deserves to be used as a punching bag, or verbally abused, or even lead to believe they are beneath the person they are with! Both, women and men are victims of domestic violence and fight to survive. It is time we support each other and really try to recognize the signs of abuse, to not let abuse continue to be over looked.

        * if anyone is a victim of domestic violence and ever need to talk, please if you are reading this, please contact me. I will never turn anyone away, and I will do everything in my power to help you get through this. You are not alone in this world, and yes you can get free! 

2. Don't jump into another marriage/relationship and think there is going to be a different outcome, because there isn't. 

I have seen this countless times where someone will feel they need to fill the void... don't! This does nothing good for you, you will repeat your mistake. The best part about being alone after a divorce is you get to rediscover who you are. You get to put these broken pieces back together and change things you may not be happy with, or change your opinion on the types of person you like or are attracted to. I too have experienced the change in attraction. I went from wanting to be with a young (well my age) bad boy type to someone mature, who valued goals and future over the latest and greatest material item. The bad boy type maybe attractive for a short while, but the caveman mentality that accompanies the bad boy appearance, is not attractive for long. Get rid of that attraction, it is worthless. 

3. When getting into a new relationship, everyone has their differences. Make it a goal to want to work through each and every difference.

There will always be fights. I have yet to meet a couple, including myself, who do NOT fight or argue. A major lesson for me was Compromise! If no one can come up with an agreement or settle the difference in a calm way, agree to disagree and respect each other's opinion. Compromise, itself elevates a lot of unwanted endless battles. Compromise is not easy, but when two people can care enough to want to find a happy medium, no argument or fight will seem worth it. 

Relationships are difficult, but there should never be a fear to starting over. No one should stay or want to stay in a relationship that they are not happy in. After all, ending a relationship gives you a chance to re-evaluate and decide what we can change in ourselves to be better. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I finally understand what value is. I have VALUE and I am worth more, than to be in a relationship where I am miserable.