Divorce/ Brake-Up Support Groups

When a relationship ends, the feeling of loss can be overwhelming. The pain of heart break can be devastating. The memories, dreams, and thoughts, can over take your self-control at times. You cannot turn the thoughts off no matter how hard you try. This is why it is best to never be alone during these difficult times. People often make rash decisions in the moment of heart break (they often will regret later down the road) and need to have a support chain in place to keep them grounded. This is why there are support groups; to help people get past a difficult time, possibly the worst times in their lives.

Support groups…… What qualifies as a support group?

A support group can be a family member, a friend or friends, online groups, a hot line, or a group of individuals who meet up in person. The three support systems I use are family, friends, and online groups.

Family: Sometimes we do not want family to know our struggles. Whether this is because of ego, or a strong sense of independence, we need family. There is unconditional love associated to family, no matter what you can and should turn to family for life problems. Granted, not every family is the same, but usually we have at least one family member we can always run to.

Friends: We tend to turn to friends over family. A bond between two friends can be equivalent to a blood tie to a family. Sometimes we feel as though certain people are a mirrored image of ourselves. 

This tightens the bond between two people creating the label “best friends”. No matter what we are going through, we can always turn to a friend during a hard time. They will show up at your home willing to sleep on the couch, bring comfort food, take you out to show you there still is a world out there. They are willing to do what it takes to bring our spirits up.

Online Groups: During the past few months I have been looking at different groups and seeing how the community pulls together, coaching people through hard times, letting people know there is people out there who are feeling or have felt the same way. Not all groups are the same nor do they have the same support. The idea behind an online support group is the accessibility and the anonymous factor. If you are unable to go to friends of family, I would recommend finding an online group. Not only are you able to share your story, you can develop relationships all over the world.

No person should ever feel they are alone in the world. There is people who have been in your shoes, who may still be in a bad situation. Reach out…..look for the support you deserve.

I am sure there is other types of support groups out there, but these few are what I actually had seen or had experience with.

During my experience with my divorce, I realized my love for writing and helping people. I recently starting blogging and really focusing on learning from my past. I didn’t really have friends to lean on due mutual friends, but I did have one person in my life that worked at the same company as I, who had a similar past. They shared their story with me and helped me out of an abusive relationship. Without his person, I would have never had the strength to do what was right… LEAVE. Due to me constantly lying to hide the marks, bruises, and scars, I never went to my family until the day I officially left. Once I was gone though, I had complete support even though I had years of lies piled up in my closet. Looking back now, I really don’t understand why I was so compelled to lie about what I was going through.  Was is shame, loss of control, or repeating my parents mistakes? Possibly… either way, I finally realized… I’m not a prisoner, there is other people in this world who are just like me. 

When you are in a bad relationship or any relationship for that matter, it is equivalent to wearing blinders. You do not see any options in the world to free you from your current circumstances. Surround your self with family, friends and reach out to the community whether it is online or joining a support group. Take off the blinders!!!!

If you are reading this and in need of help or support, please feel free to contact me. 

Co-parenting is it possible?

Co-parenting is when two parents can put aside their differences and care for the children they have together. To have the ability to put their children's needs before there own. This is something the court expects every case that comes through the door.

Is it always feasible? No!

Sometimes there are people who are unable to let go of the past, to move on with their lives, and do what is needed for the children. You can have one parent do everything under the sky to be reasonable,  to accommodate the other parent, and to move forward with their life attempting to have a healthy co-parent relationship; but that will never work it both parents are not able to work together. 

Being a co-parent takes maturity, selflessness, and self control. Will every parent agree on everything? 

Highly doubtful!

The best thing to do is find mutual ground and understanding. It's nearly impossible to have a relationship with someone when they are being completely hateful. You can't do anything to make them happy let alone make them be decent for one minute, but you can control your own actions. You can still be the bigger person and do what you can for your children's future. 

Don't blame your self! You can't change a persons actions who doesn't want to change. Chances are, this is probably why you are not with them. They are incapable of seeing anyone else in this world but themselves. In the end, the children see everything! They will be the deciding factor in the end on who was being reasonable and who wasn't. 

If you are in a situation where you are the only person who is trying to be a co-parent, remember this:

1.    Always keep your text messages. If you are not able to communicate verbally, always keep your texts. Sometimes text messages will keep the bitter ex from acting out. *sometimes*

2.    When you encounter a possible argument, or deliberate sabotage from the other parent, take the high road. Do not stoop to there level, in the end, the problem will not be solved and the issue will grow with every poke and prod made in attempt to hurt the other. Eventually the other parent will run out of breath/anger stamina and go away. Granted it won't last long, they will be onto the next issue they want to focus on before you know it. The goal is to teach your children you do not have to get into an all out battle/ pissing match to win. You can win the fight by being intelligent and carefully selecting your words. In the end, the goal is have your children become up standing individuals who are not screwed up by a divorce.

3.    Do not ever introduce a new partner into your life as the "new dad/mom". You are just asking for a fight. No parent should ever feel as though the other is trying to vindictively replace them in their child's eyes. If there is any type of co-parenting going on, this will surely diminish any  progress quickly. Granted... any person who is able to open their heart to a child that isn't theirs, is a good thing. I have always seen it as, that is another person in my children's lives who will love my children. Children now days need all the love they can get! This world is cruel and ugly, children need guidance and the more people who can show them they are not alone, the better!

4.    In an attempt to being amicable, try to keep the children out of the system. The more they are exposed to the court system, the worse they become. Court systems are very traumatic, its equivalent to two people putting the children in the middle and each one pull in a different direction, in the end hurts the children. They develop a messed up since of what to expect in their future. After all, I too am a product of a divorce, I repeated all the same mistakes my parents made.  

Being amicable and keeping the children is not always possible, trust me I know! I at times feel as though I married Satan's Spawn. He fights me at every chance he can. There is no possible way to be mutual and pleasant because he is unable to move on and see the bigger picture... the children. This does not stop me from doing everything I can to be nice. I know what it's like to watch my parents fight, scream, do horrible things to hurt one another. In the end, all it did was screw up my childhood and introduced me to the cycle of divorce. Now, years later, I see the cycle and I am attempting to break it.

5.    Have reasonable goals. If you are fighting what appears to be Satan, do not expect anything fair coming into your favor. They will do whatever it takes to trick you and get the upper hand. The best goal I have came up with is a long term goal, "have a functioning relationship with my children". This has taken a few years to make progress, but because they are getting older everyday, they know I love them more than anything and I will always do what is best for them. 

Being a co-parent is every difficult when you are the only one. Always attempt to work together, you never know, the other parent might finally grow out of the selfishness and do what is right for the children. In the end, children benefit from two parents working together verses against each other. After all, they are doomed to repeat your mistakes.

Divorce..... It's really not a bad thing!

Divorce is a reminder that we are human. As a human, we are entitled to make mistakes.

You never enter a relationship thinking of divorce. Shoot, the only thought in mind was... forever! I made a promise, I would only get married one, so I better do it right. I will wake up to this person everyday until my heart stop beating. 

Then it stops... but your still alive. 

There is many reasons why a relationship ends and divorce becomes the result. The true fact of the matter is, everyone is capable of falling out of love for different reasons.

Questions: When did you discover you felt different? What did that person do or say to make you feel different? Are you just mad? Is it something you can fix? Is it the time of the month?!?

Most instances, you can't change this feeling, but there are times when it is just a phase, when you may just be unhappy with yourself. When you are unhappy with yourself, you tend to pick apart everything in your life. You re-evaluate our job, your home, your car, your relationships, and anything that may define who you are or who you want to be. So it would make since that you would question your love for your spouse if you are going though a difficult time in your life. 

Is it a permanent feeling? No, the feeling will eventually fade if in fact the problem is oneself.

I myself, am very familiar with divorce. The deciding to divorce wasn't as hard on me as I thought, but the spiral that came after wards is what nearly destroyed me. Being in and out of court for four years, fighting over possessions, the children, and finances was the worst part. The main part I'm still trying to heal from to this day. 

My mother has always told me, "Treat others the way you would want to be treated". There was never a fair trade in any of this. Divorce is an all out battle ground. "All's fair in love and war". 

You don't have to let divorce define you, feel defeated over it, or feel like you failed your family! We all change paths for a reason, a reason we must learn to accept and move forward.

After a divorce, it is vital to remember, You are human and you will get through this! Three things I have learned since my divorce:

1. Everyone makes mistakes and the important lesson is to learn from them. 

I cannot tell you how many mistakes I made in that marriage. I made so many, to the point of losing who I truly was. My number one mistake was staying in an abusive relationship because I was terrified to be alone with children. I never wanted to be that a single mother who struggles to put food on the table. The relationship was abusive from day one, but because I couldn't own up to my bad decisions, I now have permanent scars that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

My second mistake was seeking out help from his family and being told I must have done something to piss him off. Maybe next time I should listen and not upset him to the point of him becoming violent. I believe that, and from that point until the end, I always blamed myself for his out burst and reactions towards me. 

It had been since over 4 years and I am finally at the point in my life where I am able to admit what I have been through and not be ashamed, or blame my failures in my marriage ending. I now have the ability to give voice to the pain I have inside and the wings to learn and let go of past.

Ladies and even men...NO ONE deserves to be used as a punching bag, or verbally abused, or even lead to believe they are beneath the person they are with! Both, women and men are victims of domestic violence and fight to survive. It is time we support each other and really try to recognize the signs of abuse, to not let abuse continue to be over looked.

        * if anyone is a victim of domestic violence and ever need to talk, please if you are reading this, please contact me. I will never turn anyone away, and I will do everything in my power to help you get through this. You are not alone in this world, and yes you can get free! 

2. Don't jump into another marriage/relationship and think there is going to be a different outcome, because there isn't. 

I have seen this countless times where someone will feel they need to fill the void... don't! This does nothing good for you, you will repeat your mistake. The best part about being alone after a divorce is you get to rediscover who you are. You get to put these broken pieces back together and change things you may not be happy with, or change your opinion on the types of person you like or are attracted to. I too have experienced the change in attraction. I went from wanting to be with a young (well my age) bad boy type to someone mature, who valued goals and future over the latest and greatest material item. The bad boy type maybe attractive for a short while, but the caveman mentality that accompanies the bad boy appearance, is not attractive for long. Get rid of that attraction, it is worthless. 

3. When getting into a new relationship, everyone has their differences. Make it a goal to want to work through each and every difference.

There will always be fights. I have yet to meet a couple, including myself, who do NOT fight or argue. A major lesson for me was Compromise! If no one can come up with an agreement or settle the difference in a calm way, agree to disagree and respect each other's opinion. Compromise, itself elevates a lot of unwanted endless battles. Compromise is not easy, but when two people can care enough to want to find a happy medium, no argument or fight will seem worth it. 

Relationships are difficult, but there should never be a fear to starting over. No one should stay or want to stay in a relationship that they are not happy in. After all, ending a relationship gives you a chance to re-evaluate and decide what we can change in ourselves to be better. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I finally understand what value is. I have VALUE and I am worth more, than to be in a relationship where I am miserable.